Common Mistakes That Most Men Make When Seeking a Russian Bride (Part 2)
11) Taking the women they meet shopping
Over the past couple of years I have noticed that one of the sure ways to send the wrong message to a young lady or to be taken advantage of is to take her shopping. As I said, buying a lady in whom you are interested a small gift or token of your affection is one thing, but taking her on an all out shopping spree is quite another. I have seen several things that usually happen when a man makes this mistake.
If the girl in question is not really serious about the man, then she will let him buy her things and pretend to be interested. This obviously works out poorly for the man in question.
The second thing that I have seen happen is that if the girl has never had such attention lavished on her, depending on her character, the man in question may be "creating a monster," so to speak. In other words, this lady may have gone into the meeting with honest intentions, but once she sees what she can get from these meetings she may have been forever turned into a "gold digger." Finally, I have seen a girl who was initially interested in a man turned off at his attempt to buy her affections. If a lady is honest of intentions and pure of motive, she may view this as "rich American's" attempt to buy her and make her a possession, rather than a life partner. In any case this is a bad idea. Once you have actually developed a relationship with this lady and have some actual commitment, then shopping might be on the agenda. Until then, the best way that you can show a lady that you are interested and get to know her is to spend time with her be there for her. Earn her trust and allow her to earn yours through your conversation and your actions. Let your relationship develop over the course of natural time.
12) Believing they can buy a woman's love or sincere interest
It's very strange. One of the main concerns that most men express to me when they call is that they want to find a woman that loves them simply for who they are and not what he can give them. He wants a woman who will not divorce him and take all of his hard-earned cash. Yet the first thing that many of these men do when they get to Ukraine is start spending money on these ladies that they have just met like it is going out of style. I don't want to be redundant or sound like a broken record, but this approach does exactly the opposite of what most men express to me is most important to them.
This approach is either going to land you a woman who only wants you for your money, which is what you wanted to avoid in the first place, turn a good girl into an opportunist or turn off a girl who may have loved you on your own merit. The best thing that you can do is be yourself. Be honest and sincere, confident and attentive. Show her that you truly want to get to know her and that you have the time and patience to do so. Show her that you have values and morals and that you are only trying to find your one and only match. Don't make it appear that you are "wife shopping." As I said before, an honest and sincere Russian woman will only see this as American arrogance or a character flaw. She will view it as you trying to buy her affection. Don't try to impress her with your money. It can only end up badly for you.
13) Choosing beauty over substance and criteria
This is absolutely a mistake that every man is faced with at some point during his search. Do I choose the one who makes the most sense for me or do I choose the one that is "smoking hot." Every now and again men get lucky and they are one in the same, but tl1at doesn't happen very often. It's a natural situation. When you are suddenly faced with being in the "driver's seat" so to speak and you have such a wonderful array of lovelies to choose from, it's easy to get caught up in choosing the one who is the most beautiful instead of the one who is right for you. I see it time and again. I have my clients write down what they are looking for from a "looks" standpoint on one piece of paper and from a compatibility viewpoint on another and then I have them place the compatibility list on top of the looks list. I urge them to use "compatibility" as their guide as opposed to the "looks" list, but that usually lasts about as long as it takes for them to thumb through the first catalogue of ladies at the first agency. They all almost always choose the hottest ones regardless of compatibility.
In the end, for whatever reason, it is usually a lady who is not necessarily the most attractive to the man that is actually the best match. Yet, most men still pursue the most attractive if they show even remote interest in him, despite usually obvious "red flags" that indicate she is not really serious about him. This leaves most men disappointed and sometimes heartbroken. You've got to think with your head as well as your libido. Choose someone who will be good for you in the long run as well as gratifying in the short term. Remember, looks fade as the years pass and you will be left with a person with whom you have little in common. All of the ladies are beautiful in many ways in addition to their physical beauty. It's not important what others think of your decision, it's only important that you make the right decision for you!
14) Failing to take a look in the mirror, being too picky!
As in life, self-examination is key when trying to find your mate. Too many of us hold others to a standard of beauty and perfection that we don't hold ourselves to. As I have watched men thumb through catalogs of beautiful, desirable women, or describe why they chose one woman over another on the Internet, I have heard them make comments about the woman's physique or some small imperfection that has made it "impossible" for them to choose a particular woman. Sometimes I have heard comments, which have approached the absurd, and usually these physical judgments are made by men who fall somewhat short of physical perfection themselves. "Her teeth are crooked," or Her hair is the wrong color or the wrong length," "She needs to lose a few pounds." We forget that many of the things that we take for granted such as "dental plans," "health spas" and "salons" may be economically out of reach for many of these women, yet most of us are unable to look past these small, easily correctable imperfections and see the beauty in the woman that is before us. Although many of the men that I have taken to Ukraine have been of quality, I have yet to take one over who would be mistaken for Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt, but most of them insist on choosing ladies that look like "Helen of Troy" to meet.
That being said, it is certainly possible for a man to "upgrade," so to speak, significantly in the looks department from the type of woman that he is able to approach here in the states. The idea however is to be realistic with most of your choices. Notice, I said most of your choices. The reason for that is that you could get lucky (like I did) and find a woman who is exactly what you are looking for physically that actually doesn't realize how beautiful she is. So there is nothing wrong with taking a "flyer" on a couple of gorgeous ladies. Just don't make all of your choices based on looks alone. In fact, you should try your best to make compatibility your top priority with every choice. But can you help it if she just happens to be a "hottie" as well? I think not. In all seriousness some of the American attitude does apply here and if you are not an Adonis you probably don't want to choose an Athena. Be sensible and realistic with your choices and remember, when you meet, she will be judging your appearance as well!
15) Getting engaged on your first trip
I've said it before and I will say it again. Any guy who goes over on his first trip with a ring in his pocket should have his head examined. How can you possibly hope to make an intelligent decision about whether a woman is right for you and you for her in a week? Ever heard of "buyer's remorse?" That being said I have dated women for three years whom I really didn't know when all was said and done, but again this is ridiculous. Most men hope and believe that they will find Mrs. Right and get engaged on the first trip, but it's not completely their fault. There are two things at work here; all of the false information and hype out there that makes you buy into this whole fantasy and the desire in the heart of each man that wants and needs it to be true. We all want the fairy tale so it is easier to believe that it is possible for anyone than to consider the alternative, more disappointment from love. Also, motive is always a question in this instance. You should be very leery of a woman who would accept a ring from you so quickly and you should also wonder about your own mental state and self esteem issues if you are so desperate to be engaged. There are exceptions to every rule and some of these men that are in such a hurry to get engaged may actually get lucky and find a life partner for all time, but most who take this route end up with nothing, right back where they started in just a few months.
This is not a race or a sprint. Don't put the pressure on yourself of having to find her immediately or "all is lost." Know that this takes time, money and effort. If you go over with that kind of pressure on your first trip, you are more than likely going to be disappointed. If that's how you are going to approach this then you might as well not do it at all. It takes time to find the right lady and once you think that you have found her it takes time to get to know her somewhat. You must make an effort to get to know her by making several trips and even then there is no guarantee that you will last together. In some ways, this endeavor is even more difficult than the one that you've experienced thus far in trying to find a woman in your own country.
16) Failing to notice or acknowledge obvious red flags
I'm sure that we have all heard the saying that if it walks like a duck, etc. then it probably is a duck. The problem with this is recognizing the signs. It's just like any other failed relationship that you have probably ever had. Hindsight is always 20/20, but since most of us would rather hindsight be foresight you must pay attention to your lady's actions more so than her words. If you have to ask yourself if your lady is really interested, then she probably isn't. If you have to ask if she is honest and sincere, then she's probably not. Insecurity and intuition aside, if you have to wonder if you chose the right lady, then you probably didn't. In my previous experience in writing, dating and courting Russian women, when I had to ask myself these questions, the lady in question always eventually answered the question for me.
Once I found the right lady for me I never had to ask these questions again. She showed attention, affection and appreciation. She was prompt and detailed in her correspondence. She was upfront and honest in her dealings with me and with the other men who were pursuing her. In the end, finding the right woman who was everything that I wanted showed me in living color that these other women before her were not the right women for me, but when I was involved with them I let the little signs get passed me or I just ignored them. I kept telling myself that there was probably a good reason why she hadn't written in so many days or why she didn't answer my questions. I rationalized that it was okay that she was several hours late on several different occasions when I had flown half way around the world to see her.
It seems that when we find the lady who, from a looks standpoint, is all we have ever dreamed of, we are willing to forgive more and let her negative actions go un-addressed. The fact of the matter is that there are thousands of honest, caring and attentive ladies out there who will show an honest man that she is interested in him and pay attention to him instead of just telling him what he wants to hear. If you are constantly questioning whether she is the one or not, then most likely she's not. If it doesn't fit, don't force it. Realize that she is not what you are looking for, move on and find someone who will make you truly happy. She is out there.
17) Going to the larger cities to search for a bride
It makes sense, the larger the city, the better chance I have of finding what I am looking for right? Wrong! The larger cities such as I Kiev, Odessa, Moscow, St. Petersburg etc. may have more women, but it is much harder to find a lady who actually intends to find a foreign husband and leave her native land. Allow me to explain. Remember when you were in high school or at your university? Most guys were never worried about their girlfriend breaking up with them, where their next date was coming from or if they had a bad reputation with the ladies. Why? There was always a new crop of freshman coming in the next semester right?
In much the same way, the ladies in the larger cities don't worry about having to find a husband because there is a new crop of eager suitors coming in each month via the large tour companies. Many ladies will spend just enough time with a man to get him hooked, and then she will request that he send her a small amount of money each month so that she can correspond with him or for some other seemingly reasonable thing. The catch is that she has many men doing this and she is making a living! I have spoken with many ladies in Odessa who are doing this very thing. The shame of it is that there are women in these towns, who are truly looking for a husband, but most of the men are monopolized by these "serial socialites" and an honest woman may never get a chance to meet a good man. That being said, there are some women in the smaller towns as well that are using the system to their monetary benefit, but the opportunities for them to do so via socials are fewer and farther between so it is less prevalent. You must be careful wherever you go, but it's better to go someplace where the dishonesty is not so common. Smaller towns are typically a safer bet from this standpoint.
18) Taking advice from people in chat rooms and forums
When searching for a bride on the Internet, how do you know which ladies on which sites are real and which are not? How do you know which ones are writing to you and which aren't. As I stated before, the majority of the time YOU DON'T. The same thing applies to chat rooms and forums. How do I tell which guys are actually experienced in this and which ones are just "pulling my chain?"Answer:The majority of the time, YOU CAN'T.
Here's a more practical example that is easier to relate to. We have all had computer problems at one time or another right? I am a fairly computer savvy person and an analytical thinker so I am fairly adept at solving my own computer issues. Anything that is too heavy for me I turn over to my buddy "Bart" who is in the I T business. Even though I have a friend to help me, from time to time there is a new "bug" or problem that even he has never heard of. At that point I usually turn to the Internet and try to hunt down someone that has heard of my issue. It never fails; I am always able to find a "techie" chat room or forum somewhere that has heard of my problem. Now, LET THE WEEDING BEGIN!!!
Unfortunately these things are usually filled with far more misinformation about the problem than good information. There are always tons of guys on them who pride themselves as experts, but they turn out to be anything but. The problem is that these forums and chat rooms are filled with folks who are trying to be self-important and needed somewhere, but they aren't actually experts on the subject. Their need to be accepted somewhere far outweighs the need to give you accurate advice. These self-proclaimed gurus often muddy the waters for those who actually have sound advice to give.
Russian Bride forums and chat rooms are no different. I learned the hard way that many of the men in these chat rooms are nothing more than guys with too much time on their hands, trying to "fit in" somewhere. After making several trips to Ukraine I realized that most of the guys that I had been listening to had never even been to Ukraine, yet I had taken their advice and recommendations on many issues, some of them very key to the success of my trip. That being said I did get sound advice from some, but the "pretenders" far outweighed the "gurus." It took me a couple of trips to realize which guys were "legit" and which guys who were simply writing letters. The point is be careful who you listen to. Not everybody in a forum or chat room claiming to be an expert or experienced person actually is. Final) Not Sticking With It.
I hope that some of the preceding information has helped you to see some of the problems that can occur when searching for a Russian Bride. Although not every man makes all of the mistakes that I mentioned, they are the most common that I see men make over and over. Also, there are exceptions to every rule so not every mistake I mentioned is a mistake for every man. Sometimes men get lucky and things do work out for them, even though the way that they are going about is not necessarily the most effective or sensible. Some men do find their brides through socials, correspondence and other low-percentage methods, but the thing is to realize that there are far more men who are disappointed due to the making the mistakes that I mentioned. I guess it all goes back to my first point that this is not an easy thing to do. Most men make some of the mistakes that I mentioned at one time or another during their search. However, most of these things can be avoided by simply being sensible and aware. Use your head and concede to your better judgment when something doesn't "smell" right or when something seems "too good to be true."
That being said, even if you are informed and careful you are bound to make some mistakes along the way. The important thing is to be aware of what can happen and try to be smart and sensible about your search. Also, if you do experience a setback due to one of the aforementioned problems, don't give up. I can tell you that there are thousands of honest and sincere women in the former Soviet Union that are truly looking for a good man with whom to share their life. It would be a shame if you gave up before you found her simply because you had a few problems along the way. Unfortunately that's what happens to many men. Many don't do their homework before starting their search or approach this from a cautious mindset and end up having a bad experience. This sours them on the whole idea and they give up, thinking that the whole thing must be a "scam." DON'T GIVE UP!!! Realize that this is not like "shooting fish in a barrel" and you will be more likely to see your search through to a successful conclusion.